I was partly inspired to write this after reading a wonderful post by Zoe of I Believe in Romeo. The post was entitled Perfection is a Skill, Darlings and it really resonated with me for a number of reasons. The first was that, like Zoe, I am also a perfectionist and set incredibly high standards for myself. I also put on the 'I'm fine' demeanor, even when I'm feeling the exact opposite because I hate to seem weak or whingey.
These last few weeks (and months in fact) have really tested me, though, and I've come to realise that I need to lower the bar, allow myself to do nothing and learn to heal emotionally and physically.
This was me yesterday, looking fine, right? ....
I need to accept that I'm not superwoman, I can't do it all - in fact I can do very little right now. And I need to take away the mental pressures and constant 'to do' list that plays over and over in my head. I have to let my candle business take a back seat, stop thinking about deadlines and stop feeling guilty for just sitting down doing nothing.
And the reason for the fatigue? My carotid artery dissection has caused a plethora of peripheral symptoms that seem to be pretty common to us CAD sufferers but are as yet undocumented and largely unacknowledged by doctors. This in itself has been a source of frustration and anxiety and one of the reasons I want to write about my own experience is so that people new to this don't feel isolated and know that what they are experiencing is totally 'normal'.
Right now I'm praying every day that I will wake up one day soon feeling a little bit better, and then a bit better again after that and that maybe my life will return to some kind of balance where every day isn't a struggle. In the meantime, I have made an appointment to talk to a counsellor so that I can maybe cope a bit better with things and I'm still trying to enjoy the little things like the beautiful autumn colours..
If you would like to read the full story of my Carotid Artery Dissection, you can take a look at the posts below:
Carotid Artery Diagnosis
Struggles with being ill
A Rant about Doctors
And here are the links again for the Facebook Support Groups:
Carotid Artery Dissection Public Group
Carotid Artery Dissection Closed Group