I have often thought of writing about specific feminist issues but have been completely daunted by the enormity of the subject matter, the myriad of different positions and the complex analysis that is required to give a reasoned perspective. So I have put it off till now.  

What has given me the impetus to write at this point in time?  Well, primarily my own life experience and observation and given that this is my year to be half a century old, I made the resolution to be resolutely myself. You might ask what this has to do with Feminism and communication?  Well, for me, everything. As a woman of a certain age, brought up in a certain culture, the value of being 'nice' as a woman is always the overriding subliminal and outward message. Smile, defer, don't be 'bossy', let men take the lead. I wish I could say that things have improved for my daughters' generation but unfortunately, if we are to go by social media, there has been regression to a point where the only value lies in physical appearance. Objectifying oneself is the norm, rather than the exception and the bigger issues have been lost.

Simone de Beauvoir who is (and always will be) my abiding heroine and role model, speaks about the concept of the 'Other'. 

"The category of the Other is as primordial as consciousness itself....Thus it is that no group ever sets itself up as the One without at once setting up the Other over against itself." 

"Thus humanity is male and man defines woman not in herself but as relative to him.."

(The Second Sex, Penguin Books, 1986)

  

So, to come back to the main point of discussion here, communication is an integral tool in creating a sense of Otherness and in the placement of where we are in society and what we are entitled to.

It is also how we, as women, make ourselves smaller and less threatening - by apologising to excess and diminishing our achievements. This is something I myself have done way too much of, up to this point in my life.  It is a learned thing but also unconscious much of the time and I don't doubt that I still do it, but I have become more careful and more aware and, astonishingly, the world has not come to an end because I have stepped up or spoken out in small ways.

I met a good friend recently and I guess we are both at a similar stage in our lives because she said she has stopped making excuses - if she doesn't want to do something or be somewhere, she will just be direct and unapologetic about it.  We don't need to justify our own needs and wants and couch them in some sort of acceptable form, they are just what they are.

The language that represents women and that defines femininity is essentially a glass case of inertia, that has remained unchanged for a very long time with the exception of the new cutsie terms like 'girlboss' or 'mompreneur' or all the vicious online terms like 'feminazi'.  All of these are equally abhorrent to me - essentially you will be 'allowed' to be a boss but we have to qualify that by emphasising that you are a girl - not a woman, mind, but a girl. 

The problem for me is that the subtleties of language not only reflect society's thinking, but can also direct our thinking and behaviour in a very insidious way. The nastier online terms do just what they are intended to do, they bully and invalidate reasonable points by diminishing the entire woman instead of dealing with the actual discussion.  We need to stop believing in a definition of femininity that has largely been created. We need to define ourselves and become the subject instead of 'Other'.

With that in mind, I think we have to have our own awareness, as women, of how we speak and how we present ourselves and as I mentioned earlier, that can be a difficult thing to tackle. It is impossible to avoid absorbing all the pre-conceived notions of femininity that are out there. We are bombarded constantly online and everywhere with images and narratives that close down who and what we are. Age and nationality no doubt play a part also - I think it is quite an Irish thing to be self-deprecating and I'm certainly way more confident as a 49 year old than I was as a 20 year old.  That however, is all the more reason for me to be conscious of how I am because if younger women never see a confident and assured woman who is happy to take on challenge, then how will they ever become that person themselves?  Not that I'm setting myself up as some kind of amazing example but I have realised with age that it makes not a blind bit of difference what people think of me. It literally has no impact on my life and the dogma of female 'niceness' is just a load of rubbish. Genuine niceness, kindness and confidence are real qualities to aspire to but I think they are qualities that come from being your true self.
So let's hope the women of the future are strong and true to themselves!

Síomha and Baby Mara